Look Ma, I'm a Writer!

It happened
on his ninth Christmas.

The boy had written
to Santa Claus
and had asked for
a basketball.
But there were no
spherical shapes
under the tree that night.

He examined his present ─
a flat, rectangular box
wrapped in Christmas colors.
He knew it was his, because
it came with a card
from Santa Claus,
addressed to him.

He read the card,
and began to
notice the note's
handwriting; clear
printed letters
slanted at a certain angle,
and the way the letter G
looked like the number 6,
and the way the Z was written
European-style,
with a small bar across it.

Inside the boy's head,
several little worker elves
began turning the cogs,
gears, and wheels
in his brain.
And then the elves
suddenly vanished
in a puff of smoke,
leaving the boy with
a sinking feeling in his stomach,
when he realized that
Santa Claus's handwriting
looked exactly like his mother's.

One was
the teacher, the master, the father,
while the other was
the student, the apprentice, the son.
Sometimes it was hard to tell
who was what;
often they
reversed roles.

Their relationship was
complicated, like the
covalent bonds that
connected the chemical
compounds they cooked
for criminal cash.

These two were not
"drug lords".
Although they handled drugs,
they were not lords,
but mere subjects of
an even greater,
more evil criminal
kingpin; a boss
who was willing
to slice their throats
with a box-cutter,
just to prove a point.

It was then
that they realized
that things stopped
getting good,
and everything started
breaking bad.

They had dug
themselves their own graves,
and they were in so deep
that the only way out
was to dig themselves
even deeper,
until they came out the other side,
as better people,
or as better versions
of their worst selves.



*Inspired by the television series Breaking Bad, created by Vince Gilligan.

The day we finally got
our red belts; a milestone
for 10-year olds like us.
And as our Taekwondo master
gave us his long, boring
congratulatory speech,
the five of us
looked at each other,
trying our best to
stop the smiles spreading
across our faces.
It was at that moment
that I realized
I really loved
what I was doing,
and the people I was doing it with.

is what we play
in our house
every Monday¹ night.

Seven contenders
(myself included)
fight over who
gets to sit on

The Adler La-Z-Time® Reclining Chair
by La-Z Boy
"combines the styling of a stationary chair
with the added benefit of reclining",
nicknamed the "Iron Throne"
because of its rust-colored seat cover.

The Contenders:

My father
a.k.a. Lord Eddard
who would rather watch
that new documentary on Discovery Channel,
The Hounds of Winter.

My mother
a.k.a. Lady Catelyn
who would rather watch
her favorite channel,
Smart Parenting TV.

My eldest brother
a.k.a. King Robb
who would rather play
Command and Conquer
on his PlayStation.

My eldest sister
a.k.a. Sansa
who would rather watch
her favorite series
on the History Channel,
Most Beloved Medieval Princesses.

My other sister
a.k.a. Arya
who would rather watch
any contact sport on ESPN,
making my mother doubt
whether she's a lesbian.

My youngest brother
a.k.a. Rickon
who would rather watch
anything animated.


None of those contenders
got to sit on
the Iron Throne.
I always won,
the undefeated champion
of the game of thrones.

But they are my family,
and therefore, not stupid.
So they formed an alliance,
pooled all their resources,
and purchased a TiVo.




¹ The original used "Sunday". The word "Monday" appears in the pirated version, because most pirates come from Asia, which crosses the date line before the rest of the world.

this painting has been
for four years now.
But the painter has
refused to release it,
not because it was unfinished,
but because she felt
there was still something missing.

But she couldn't quite
put a finger on it.
She would stare at this portrait
for hours on end,
and the female face
would stare back at her,
mocking her.

But today was the day
she would finally complete this painting.
She was a practitioner
of the Wiccan arts,
and on this day,
she would offer a prayer
to the goddess Venus
as the planet sailed across
the face of the Sun God.

And she did offer a prayer,
a weird mix
of Latin and Gaelic,
invoking inspiration
from the goddess of beauty.
She muttered her prayer,
while staring at the sun
through her solar spectacles.

And then
it hit her.

She ran to her desk,
and finding a black marker,
she rushed back to her painting,
then placed a small black dot
right above the portrait's upper lip.
Then she stepped back,
admired her work
and whispered,
"Finally."

Three days later,
she made half a million pesos
for her painting
30 inches by 45 inches,
oil on canvas,
entitled
"The Transit of Venus".

One might notice
the absence of women
and children
at the races.
It's not that
children aren't
allowed to watch.
It's that children are
only interested in
horses that they can
pet and ride.

Horse racing
is a guy thing.
Not really for men,
but more for the big boys,
those who jump up and down
in excitement when
Silver Blaze and Seabiscuit
round the turn
neck and neck,
and also for those
who walk away with
their heads hanging
in disappointment,
when they realize
the fortune they've lost
making the wrong bet,
as the name of the winning horse
flashes on the screen.


*conceived Sun, 4 Mar 2012

(Music)

Attention all visitors. Attention all visitors. Ang visiting hours po ng ICU ward ay mula 7-9 po lamang. Thank you.

(Music)

Attention all visitors ng pasyenteng si Don Juan Antonio Rodrigo Borja del Castillo Fajardo y dela Cerna III ng ICU ward 221B, ang visiting hours ay mula 7-9 pa. Mangyari pong bumalik muna sa Visitor's Area. Salamat po.


(Music)



Paging Ms. Rose Galvez. Paging Ms. Rose Galvez. Please proceed to the ICU ward. Maari na po ninyo dalawin ang iyong tatay sa ICU 221B. Maraming salamat po.


(Music)



Attention lahat ng mga bagong dating na visitors. Attention lahat ng mga bagong dating na visitors. May limit po ang number of visitors sa bawat kwarto. Mangyari po lamang na i-check kung may iba pang bisita bago pumasok. Salamat po.


(Music)



Attention all visitors of ICU 221B. Attention all visitors of ICU 221B. Please keep the noise level down. Nagrereklamo na po ang mga kalapit na kwarto. Salamat po.


(Music)



Paging security.  Paging security. Please proceed to ICU 221B. Dalawang babae po nagsasabunutan. Magdala po ng gunting dahil nagkabuhol-buhol ang kanilang buhok. Salamat po.


(Music)



Attention all visitors.  Attention all visitors. Dahil sa kaguluhan sa ICU ward, ang pagdalaw sa mga pasyente ay pinapayagan para sa mga immediate family members lamang. Salamat po.


(Music)



Attention security.  Attention security. Ang babaeng nagngangalang Rose Galvez ay mahigpit na ipinagbabawal na dumalaw sa pasyenteng si Don Juan Antonio Rodrigo Borja del Castillo Fajardo y dela Cerna III  sa ICU 221B. Ayon sa pamilya ng pasyente, hindi po nila kamag-anak si Rose Galvez. Thank you.



*performed at Pasinaya, Sun, 26 Feb 2012, CCP

As the plane made its approach
it seemed that the ground came up
at an angle,
and they could see the runway
directly ahead.
But the ground wasn't tilted;
the plane was,
for they were descending.

The pilot then turned to his companion,
and handed him the controls.
"As a special treat,"
said the pilot,
"I am going to give you
your first landing.
I know you can handle it.
Just maintain your descent,
and keep dropping your speed.
Relax. Breathe.
You've done this a dozen times before.
Just like flight simulator training."

The co-pilot sat up straight,
cocked his hat back,
sneered,
and thought to himself,
"Wrong, old man.
I've done this ten thousand times before.
Just like my PlayStation."



*Inspired by a Sky Pasada flight, 3 Feb 2012

The terminal doors swung open,
and out came the flight attendants,
gorgeous creatures
with legs like flamingos,
so long you could wrap them
around your neck.
Then out stepped the pilot,
escorted by two flamingos on either side,
and everyone in the terminal smiled and nodded at him
while he smiled back,
his old, experienced face
giving off an assuring smile.
Behind him came
the co-pilot,
a much younger man
without the grizzled and weathered
look about him.
But in reality
he was the pilot,
and the older man
was his subordinate.
You could tell by the number
of stripes on his sleeve,
and by the way he stood tall,
almost on tiptoe,
intent on showing the world
that he was a bigger man
than the one who came before him.



*inspired by a scene at the Manila Domestic Airport, 3 Feb 2012
and the radio show Cabin Pressure

Hey little tumbleweed,
come and fly to me,
roll down the hillside
and drop into the sea



*5 Feb 2012 (Batanes)

Everyone listened intently
as the high priest
delivered his sermon
during the wedding ceremony.

"For my last words,"
he announced,
"I shall share with the couple
the secret of
a long-lasting, loving,
and happy marriage.

The priest then leaned
close to the couple
and whispered something in their ears.

The couple smiled,
then turned around to look
at the wedding guests in their seats.
All the married people
were smiling back at them.
But all the single people
were giving each other
looks that said
"What the hell was that all about?"



*Batanes, 4 Feb 2012

Dear Son,

If you are reading this,
then that means I am dead
(obviously, because this letter
passes by will).

I will give you very important advice
regarding marriage
which can be summed up
in four words.

Marry.
Your.
Best.
Friend.

Do not marry
anyone else.

If someone makes you laugh,
then go and date her.
But do not marry her.
Not unless she is your best friend.

If someone is insanely hot,
then kiss her.
But do not marry her.
Not unless she is your best friend.

If someone is great in bed,
then fornicate with her.
But do not marry her.
Not unless she is your best friend.

If through some unforeseen circumstances
you should father a bastard,
then love the child.
But do not marry the mother.
Not unless she is your best friend.

If your best friend
is of the same sex,
then do not despair.
Just fly off to California
and marry him there.

Marriage is a sacrament,
and the vows are sacred.
There is only one requirement for marriage.
It has nothing to do with age gap,
nor how long you've known each other,
nor how happy you are together.

If you are not marrying your best friend,
then do not get married at all.


Love,
Your Father



*for Gary and Nicole
conceived: Batanes, 5 Feb 2012

Cow was munching on some delicious green grass, when suddenly, a white bird landed beside him.

"'Ello!" said the white bird.

"Hello," said Cow.

"My name is 'Eron," said the bird. "What's your name?"

"Hello, Heron," he answered. "My name is Cow."

"'Ello, Cow!" said Heron. "I 'ave been flying for days. I feel tired and 'ungry. Is it all right to rest 'ere beside you?"

"It's okay," said Cow.

"What are you eating?" asked Heron.

"I am eating grass," answered Cow. "Do you want some?"

"I don't eat grass," said Heron sadly.

"How about mushrooms?" said Cow.

"I also don't eat mushrooms," said Heron.

"What do you eat?" asked Cow.

"I eat worms," said Heron. "And I also eat insects."

"When I pull on a tuft of grass," said Cow, "some worms and insects come out of the soil. You can eat them if you want."

"Cool!" said Heron.

As Cow munched on the grass, Heron ate the worms and insects that came out of the ground. They ate and ate until Heron was full.

"Thank you very much, Cow," said Heron. "'Ow can I repay you?"

"You're welcome," answered Cow. "No need to repay me."

"You are truly kind," said Heron. "Thank you very much. I 'ave to fly away now. Goodbye, Cow!"

"Goodbye, Heron!" said Cow.

Heron spread his wings and flew up into the sky. Cow watched as Heron disappeared, and then he went back to eating his grass.



*Conceived: Batanes, 5 Feb 2012

Good morning, Ma'm, Sir!
Halika, upo po kayo.
Ayan, welcome po sa
Life Planners Management Corporation Incorporated Limited.
Kayo po si Ma'm [Nicole] at si Sir [Gary]
Okay, standard operating procedure lang po,
kailangan ko po kayo tanungin ng inyong
security questions.
Si Ma'm muna: Gaano na kayo
katagal magkakilala?
[Since 2005], okay very good.
And si Sir: What is your child's nickname?
[Taba]. Excellent.
Okay, so naka-schedule po kayo ng 9:00.
Pero dahil late na kayo,
diretso na agad tayo sa business,
keri?

Okay, so kaya kayo narito ngayon
ay dahil napuntahan ninyo ang aming website,
lifeplannersmgtcorpincltd.com,
at nag-fill up kayo ng online application form
para sa isa sa aming mga ino-offer na serbisyo.
Kung hindi pa rin ninyo napansin,
ang aming serbisyo ay
Life Planning. Duh.
Mayroon kaming six different types of services
para sa life planning.
Ang napili ninyo
ay Option no. 6,
at kaya kayo narito ngayon
ay para i-finalize ang paperwork.
Ngunit ayon po sa company policy,
legally obligated po akong ipaliwanag nang husto sa inyo
ang Options 1 to 5,
at ang aking mga ibabahaging impormasyon
ay higit pa sa impormasyon
na makikita sa aming website,
upang sa gayon ay maari pa kayo magpalit ng option
kung inyong gugustuhin.

Okay, so ito ang mga
hindi ninyo napiling option.
Ang Option No.1
ay tinatawag nating
"Daddy Douchebag" package.
So mayroon kaming
mga female seductress,
ito po ang catalogue,
pili na lang kayo.
Iba-iba po presyo niyan,
mas maganda, mas mahal.
So kung sino man
ang mapili ninyong seductress,
ay siyang magse-seduce dito kay Sir,
at within ten working days
ay garantisadong mai-in love 'tong si Sir
sa aming seductress.
Pag na-in love na siya,
siya na mismo ang makikipaghiwalay
kay Ma'm at kay [Taba].
On one hand,
hindi niyo na siya makikita muli
dahil kakalimutan na kayo si Sir nang tuluyan.
On the other hand,
wala kayong maaasahan kay Sir,
kahit pang-matrikula, pang-sustento,
ni singkong butas ay wala kayong makukuha.

Ang sumunod naman dito
ay Option No. 2,
na female version lang
ng Option No. 1.
Ang tawag namin dito ay
ang "Mommy Maldita" package.
So mayroon po tayong available na mga
tinatawag nating "disorder enhancers".
Mga tablet po ito na ipapainom niyo kay Ma'm,
half a tablet in the morning
and another half before matulog.
Kung ano man po ang disorder na mayroon si Ma'm,
kahit katiting lamang,
ima-magnify po ng aming tableta
up to 25 times! (Citation needed)
Halimbawa, Ma'm, mayroon kayong
Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder,
under ng medication na ito ay magiging
ADHD times 25.
Kung kayo naman ay may Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder,
ito ay magiging OCD times 25.
Again, within our company guaranty of ten working days,
siguradong mababaliw itong si Sir,
at itatakas niya ang inyong anak,
at hindi kailanman babanggitin na siya pala ay mayroong ina.
Ang ending niyan, Ma'm,
ay 'di mo na makikita ang iyong anak
except sa Facebook,
at hindi sila aasa sa iyo
para sa kahit na anong bagay.
Ang "Mommy Maldita" package pala
ay available lamang
kung ang inyong anak
ay tapos na sa stage na breastfeeding.

Ang ating Option Nos. 3 and 4 ay related,
so ipapaliwanag ko sila nang sabay.
Ito po ang tinatawag nating Weekend Parent package.
Ang Option No. 3 ay ang Weekend Dad package,
at ang Option No. 4 ay ang Weekend Mom package.
Pareho lang 'yan.
Basically, ang bata ay nasa custody ng isa sa inyo
mula 12:00 midnight ng Lunes
hanggang 11:59 PM nang Biyernes,
at for the rest of the time,
lilipat ang custody sa kabila.
Bagamat ang school days ay natural na nakatapat sa weekdays,
kung mayroong school activity na matatapat sa weekend,
halimbawa'y field trip o overnight camping,
ang custody ay mapupunta sa weekend parent.
At dahil ang Weekend Parent packages
ay ang aming pinakamahinang bumenta na serbisyo,
mayroon kaming special offer
para ma-engganyo kayong kumuha
ng Weekend Parent package.
Ito ang tinatawag naming "Awkward Overload".
Magaganap ang promo na ito
sa tuwing magpapalit ng custody ang magulang,
dahil sisiguraduhin naming
bigyan kayo ng maraming maraming awkward situations.
Halimbawa, ang ipangsusundo namin na sasakyan
ay ang same model ng kotse kung saan kayo nag-first kiss.
O kaya magpapasundo sa restaurant
kung saan kayo nag-first date.
Sa pamamagitan ng "Awkward Overload",
unti-unti naming buburahin
ang huling latak ng ka-sentihan at kabaduyan
sa inyong dugo.
Ang end goal ng "Awkward Overload"
ay matanggap ng parehong parents
na wala na silang pag-asang magkabalikan.

Option No. 5 naman
ang tinatawag naming
"Live-In Kabuhayan Showcase".
Mananalo kayo ng isang house and lot,
fully furnished,
may 60-inch LED Full HD 3D TV,
5Mbps na broadband connection,
dalawang Mac Book Pro,
at P5000 gift certificate sa Toy Kingdom.
Ngunit ang kapalit lamang nito ay
hindi kayo maaaring magpakasal.
Sa oras na kayo'y ikasal
ng pari o ng huwes,
ay babawiin sa inyo
ang buong Kabuhayan Showcase,
at kayo'y magmu-multa, jointly and severally,
ng hanggang 30% ng halaga ng mga produkto sa Showcase
dahil sa natural na wear and tear.

Okay, ayun po ang mga
HINDI ninyo napili.
Ang napili ninyo ay ang Option No. 6
o ang "Happily Ever After" package.
Kasama po sa package na ito ang...
wedding organization,
printing ng wedding invitation
(na wala ng chechebureche, na aming pinapauso ngayon
dahil ayaw namin ng wedding invitations na madaldal),
location,
local government clearance and permits,
Church permits,
drafting ng pre-nuptial agreement,
notarization,
accounting of personal property,
air fare via Zest Air
o ang tipo ng mas adventurous sa inyo,
ang aming Indiana Jones airplane
mula sa Sky Pasada,
travel insurance,
photo coverage mula sa award-winning photojournalist,
paparazzi coverage,
cocktails,
magnificent view ng South China Sea,
at isang bahay sa... drumroll...
Pampanga!
I know, right?
Na'ko, Ma'm, paano po kayo magko-commute niyan?
Wala pa naman sa package ang kotse.
Anyway, may bonus promo rin po tayo rito para kay Ma'm,
ang tinatawag nating "Hyphen Bonus"
kung saan makakatanggap kayo Ma'm ng P20 bonus
sa tuwing pipirma kayo ng kahit anong bagay
gamit ang inyong bagong apelyido.
Ang promo po na ito
ay hindi applicable
kung si Ma'm ay isang notary public.

Ayan po,
congratulations sa inyong pagpili ng "Happily Ever After"package.
Kung may iba kayong katanungan,
i-text niyo nalang ako,
or i-follow niyo nalang ako sa Twitter,
@iamlifeplannersmgtcoincltd.
Mabuhay!



*for Gary and Nicole
Batanes, 4 Feb 2012

Zero-crime rate
is more than
just a statistic.

It is an actual place

where one can leave
any type of vehicle
unlocked
(even with the keys
in the ignition)
and not worry about it
being stolen.



*Conceived: Batanes, 4 Feb 2012

Pressure in my ears,
Stronger as we go higher.
Pop! And now it's gone.



*Over the South China Sea, 5 Feb 2012

And God commissioned
a computer program to be made,
one that could see
the entire Earth.
And a programmer created it,
and called it Google Earth.
And it was presented to God
for beta testing.
He checked all the lands of the planet Earth,
and was pleased.
Then he checked
the waters of the Earth,
and saw something which disturbed him.
So God asked,
"What are those white things
scattered across the surface of the sea?
It seems the people have been polluting my oceans
with their trash."
The programmer answered,
"You can zoom in closer
and check, my Lord."
And God zoomed in,
and laughed.
"My bad," God said.
"It's just the waves."



*Batanes, 5 Feb 2012

The pilot loved
flying above the clouds
because he liked seeing
a rainbow ring
surrounding his plane's shadow
as it passed over
the large, white
swirl of cotton candy.


*Batanes, 4 Feb 2012

The warrior
loomed over
the sleeping figure
of the fair maiden.

"Sleep tight,"
he whispered,
and drew from a pouch 'round his neck
a small phial
filled with a clear liquid.
He uncorked it
and downed the contents
in one gulp.

He leaned over the maiden
as if to kiss her,
and then suddenly
─he vanished.
But he didn't really disappear.
He shrank
to a size smaller
than a particle of dust,
and he fell through the air
until he was inhaled through the nose
of the sleeping maiden.

When he landed,
he found himself
in her bloodstream,
and was within seconds surrounded
by white cells of blood.
"Who are you,"
asked the cells,
moving in closer and closer,
"and what do you carry with you?"

"I am a warrior,"
he answered.
"On my left hand I carry
my shield named Goodness,
and on my right
my sword named Truth."

"And what do you seek here?"
asked the white cells.

"I seek
the dragon called Doubt,"
said the warrior.
"Show me the way to his lair,
so I may slay him
while he sleeps."

The white blood cells parted
to let the warrior pass.
"Follow this path,"
they pointed,
"until you reach
the heart.
There in the fourth chamber
dwells the dragon Doubt."

The warrior made his way
down the passage,
and soon he reached the heart.
He stumbled hazily
through the first three chambers,
which smelled of
dank and decay,
a fermenting tank
of evil energy.
And finally, in the fourth,
Doubt the dragon dozed
with one eye half-open.
He moved slowly across
the dragon's blind side,
and while holding up Goodness,
he unsheathed Truth from its scabbard
and lopped the beast's head off
with one swift stroke.

The dragon's headless body
convulsed and twitched,
and sensing that something
was about to go wrong,
the warrior fled full-speed,
running back the way he came,
flying out of the maiden's nose
just in time as a violent sneeze
shook the maiden awake.

When she opened her eyes,
the warrior was standing
by her bedside,
dripping head to toe
in sticky mucus,
which glistened in
the light of the sunrise.

"My beloved!"
she cried,
jumping up and
throwing her arms around
his neck.
And when she kissed him
on the lips,
the warrior knew that
Doubt was dead,
for the night before,
the maiden had cried herself to sleep,
cursing the warrior's name
to the seventh circle of hell.