Look Ma, I'm a Writer!

What angered
the Filipinos
and the rest of the world
was that despite
the Philippines being
hit by history's
strongest storm,
and despite the
prompt response of the
entire international community,
local officials
of the Philippine government
had the nerve to slap on
donor's taxes,
import duties,
and other tariffs
on relief goods
and foreign aid
arriving in the aftermath
of the supertyphoon.

But although on the surface
it looked like highway robbery,
this was actually
way more than the
State skimming
a few pesos off the top
using the cleverly executed
sleight of hand techniques
of a certified public accountant.

For every dollar
in foreign aid sent
by our international neighbors,
two percent is taken
by the government.
But the amount collected
does not go to the
local government coffers,
nor does it end up
in the pockets of politicians;
instead, these taxes
are being used
to fund



The Philippine Jaeger Program
The Philippines is known for a lot of things. It is famous for its beaches, its islands, its festivals, and its people. It is also infamous for its dirty politics and rampant corruption.

The pork barrell scandal which rocked Philippine politics just months earlier saw the disappearance of millions of pesos into bogus beneficiaries and non-existent NGOs. It seems public trust has disappeared with the public money, and after a tragedy like Typhoon Haiyan, which devastated the Philippines last November 8, you can't blame the public for their vigilance.

What most people don't know is that the people's taxes are being used for a noble purpose: the funding of the Philippine Jaeger Program, or the PJP.

The PJP was inspired by decades of exposure to Japanese mechas, and most recently, the release of the film Pacific Rim. Jaegers or battle mechs are huge, gigantic robots controlled by pilots, and are humanity's last line of defense against giant monsters.

"The PJP is doing practically the same thing as the anime battle mechs," says the Honourable Jorge "Bolet" Banal, Congressman of Quezon City's 3rd Legislative District and Chairperson of the Philippine Jaeger Program. "Our goal is to create even bigger, more gigantic robots capable of battling the weather."

That's right–it's Man v. Nature on the road to extinction. If you've seen the satellite photographs of Typhoon Haiyan, then you know why it's called a "supertyphoon". To combat gigantic storms, you need gigantic robots, which is why Philippine Jaegers are generally two to three times bigger than the Jaegers in Pacific Rim.

Because of the sheer size of the robots, two pilots won't be enough. "We need four to five pilots to control a single Jaeger," says Banal. "So in a sense, our pilots are closer to a proper Voltron or Voltes V team."

Chairman Bolet Banal also took the time to explain how a Jaeger is deployed into action. "What we do is we have an early warning device," he explains, "which tells us if we have a typhoon forming in the middle of the Pacific. Then we deploy the Jaeger to meet it halfway across the ocean, and here it unleashes an array of weapons designed to weaken the storm. That way, should the typhoon still make landfall, it would be reduced to gale-force winds."

Following the movie Pacific Rim's tradition of Jaeger names, the Philippines's first Jaeger prototype has been christened "Snyper Bolet", in honour of PJP Chairman Bolet Banal, and is expected to be deployed with the next supertyphoon.



16 Nov 2013

Cow was munching on some delicious green grass, when suddenly, a white bird landed beside him.

"'Ello!" said the white bird.

"Hello," said Cow.

"My name is 'Eron," said the bird. "What's your name?"

"Hello, Heron," he answered. "My name is Cow."

"'Ello, Cow!" said Heron. "I 'ave been flying for days. I feel tired and 'ungry. Is it all right to rest 'ere beside you?"

"It's okay," said Cow.

"What are you eating?" asked Heron.

"I am eating grass," answered Cow. "Do you want some?"

"I don't eat grass," said Heron sadly.

"How about mushrooms?" said Cow.

"I also don't eat mushrooms," said Heron.

"What do you eat?" asked Cow.

"I eat worms," said Heron. "And I also eat insects."

"When I pull on a tuft of grass," said Cow, "some worms and insects come out of the soil. You can eat them if you want."

"Cool!" said Heron.

As Cow munched on the grass, Heron ate the worms and insects that came out of the ground. They ate and ate until Heron was full.

"Thank you very much, Cow," said Heron. "'Ow can I repay you?"

"You're welcome," answered Cow. "No need to repay me."

"You are truly kind," said Heron. "Thank you very much. I 'ave to fly away now. Goodbye, Cow!"

"Goodbye, Heron!" said Cow.

Heron spread his wings and flew up into the sky. Cow watched as Heron disappeared, and then he went back to eating his grass.



*Conceived: Batanes, 5 Feb 2012

Congratulations! You'll be going to Big School now.

Here are five things I want you to remember.

1. Don't Cry
Crying is for babies. And you're not a baby anymore. You're a big boy. That's why you're in Big School. Also, bullies can smell tears.

2. Do Not Fight the Bullies
Bullies are bad. They like to punch smaller kids. They love to make smaller kids cry. Stay away from them.

3. Always Say the Magic Words 
Those magic words are "Please" and "Thank You". Say these words all the time. Say them to everyone. And everyone will love you.

4. Share and Share Alike
Do not be selfish. Share with your frineds. Share your food. Share your toys. And your friends will share as well. Everybody will have fun.

5. The Adults are Your Friends
Be nice to the janitor. He keeps your classroom clean. Be nice to the lunch lady. She cooks your food. Be nice to the security guard. He keeps you safe. Be nice to your teacher. She helps you learn.

Remember those things I told you. These are things you must know. They are important. Not only in Big School, but in life.


*29 Mar 2011

Isang hapon, masayang papunta si Trudis Liit sa basketball court. Dala-dala niya ang bagong niyang basketball. Ang bolang ito ay regalo sa kanya ni Kapitan Bong. Si Kapitan Bong ay ninong ni Trudis Liit.




Habang nagshu-shooting si Trudis Liit, may lumapit sa kanyang dalawang mas malaking bata.

"Trudis, ang ganda ng bola mo," sabi ng malaking bata. "Sali ka sa laro namin. Pero maghintay pa tayo ng pitong manlalaro, para maging sampu tayo."

"Sige!" masayang sagot ni Trudis. Pinasa niya ang kaniyang bola sa malalaking bata.




Maya-maya, may dumating na walong malalaking bata.

"Naku, sobra na tayo ng isa. Eleven na tayo," sabi ng pinakamalaking bata. "Trudis, mamaya ka nalang maglaro ha."

At naglaro ang sampung malalaking bata. Lumubog na ang araw at nag-gabi na. Hindi na nakapaglaro si Trudis Liit.

"Sorry, Trudis," sabi ng pinakamalaking bata. "Bukas nalang tayo maglaro."

Umuwi si Trudis Liit mag-isa. Ang bago niyang bola ay nadumihan na. At wala siyang pawis sa katawan, dahil hindi siya nakapaglaro kahit kaunti.




Kinabukasan, bumalik si Trudis Liit sa basketball court. Dala ulit niya ang kanyang bola.

Malayo pa lang siya, nakita niyang marami nang malalaking bata sa court.

Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima, anim, pito, walo, siyam, sampung batang malalaki.

Naisip ni Trudis na hindi na naman siya makakapaglaro. Tumalikod siya at dahan-dahang naglakad pauwi. Ngunit biglang may tumawag sa pangalan niya.

"Trudis! Pahiram muna ng bola mo!"

Lumapit ang isang malaking bata at hiniram ang bola ni Trudis. Hindi nakatanggi si Trudis. Mabait kasi siya at hindi madamot. Pero hindi na naman siya nakapaglaro.




Kinabukasan, hindi lumabas ng bahay si Trudis Liit. Kaya pinuntahan siya ng kanyang ninong na si Kapitan Bong.

"O Trudis, bakit wala ka sa court?" tanong ni Kapitan Bong.

"Hindi po kasi nila ako pinapalaro," malungkot na sagot ni Trudis. "Maliit po kasi ako at malalaki silang lahat."

"Gan'un ba?" sabi ni Kapitan Bong. "Sige, hintayin mo lang ako diyan."

Umuwi sandali si Kapitan. Pagbalik niya, may dala siyang bola ng football.

"O Trudis, para sa'yo," sabi ni Kapitan Bong. "Ngayon, tawagin mo lahat ng maliliit na bata, at magkita-kita tayo sa bukid."




Matapos ang isang oras, dumating sa bukid si Trudis Liit. Dala niya ang kanyang bagong football. May kasama rin siyang maraming mga batang maliliit. Nakita nila si Kapitan Bong na naghihintay na sa kanila.

"Lapit kayo, mga bata," sabi ni Kapitan Bong. "Tuturuan ko kayo mag-football."

Masayang naglaro ang mga maliliit na bata. Naglaro sila nang naglaro hanggang tumulo ang kanilang pawis. Naglaro sila hanggang lumubog ang araw. Kinabukasan, naglaro sila muli. Naglaro na sila araw-araw. At naglaro sila ng football hanggang sila'y tumanda.

"Waaah! I don't like chocolate! I want vanilla!"

"Why are you crying?" asked Mommy.

"Because I don't like chocolate ice cream! I want vanilla ice cream!"

"Stop crying. Big boys don't cry. We'll buy your vanilla ice cream in another store."




"Waaah! I don't like carrots! I want cake!"

"Why are you crying?" asked Mommy.

"Because I don't like to eat carrots! I want to eat cake!"

"Stop crying. Big boys don't cry. Finish your carrots and you can eat cake."




"Waaah! I don't like Cartoon Network! I want Batibot!

"Why are you crying?" asked Mommy.

"Because I don't like to watch Cartoon Network! I want to watch Batibot!"

"Stop crying. Big boys don't cry. Watch Cartoon Network first, then you can watch Batibot.




"Waaah! I don't like a t-shirt! I want a toy!"

"Why are you crying?" asked Mommy.

"Because I don't like to buy a t-shirt! I want to buy a toy!"

"Listen to me. Stop crying. You're a big boy now. Big boys don't cry. Only babies cry. Are you a baby?"

"No, I'm a big boy now."

"So stop crying. I'll buy you this t-shirt for your birthday. And then I'll buy you a toy for Christmas. Okay?"

"Okay, Mommy. I'm sorry. I'll stop crying now."




And the big boy stopped crying since.



Sun, 5 Dec 2010.

SENSORY AUTOPSY RESULTS


Dear Sir:

We have here now the results of our brand new procedure called the Sensory Autopsy, which we have conducted on your wife.

The Sensory Autopsy is a unique procedure, wherein the subject's brain is plugged into a sensory scanner, which then analyzes the final data processed by her senses immediately before her death.

The findings for her senses of Touch, Taste, Smell, and Sight are consistent with a state of complete sobriety. No trace of alcohol, drugs, or any intoxicating substances were present in her system during the final minutes before the automobile accident; therefore, no finding of fault or negligence can be attributed to her.

However, the findings for her sense of Hearing revealed that she was listening to a song minutes before her death. We isolated the song and sent it to Forensics for identification. Forensics sent back their reply, which stated:

"We have analyzed the car radio from the automobile wreckage, and have come to the conclusion that no music was playing immediately before the accident, as the car radio was turned off. However, we ran the song you sent us through our database, and have identified it as "The Song of the Pied Piper".

"The Song of the Pied Piper" has always been regarded as legend and myth, and is supposedly the last song a person hears before being summoned by Death. The Sensory Autopsy result for your wife is actually the first shred of scientific evidence that the song actually exists.

If you heard "The Song of the Pied Piper" that was taken from your wife's Sensory Autopsy results, you need not worry, as it is merely a recording. It is only when heard live that it becomes a death call. We are truly sorry for your loss, but we ask you not to mourn, as every one of us will get the chance to hear "The Song of the Pied Piper" sooner or later. Hopefully not sooner.


Our condolences,

Director,
Sensory Autopsy Department



*Requiescat in Pace, Remedios S. Esquivias, 1959-2009

There is a saying that goes: When racing in the C-Town Circuit, never, ever race against a local. You will lose the lead as fast as you will lose your money. The most dreaded drivers on the streets today all hail from the C-Town.

Some say the C-Town drivers have superior skills behind the steering wheel. Almost as if they can control their cars with their thoughts alone.

But truth is, the C-Town racers are not better drivers.

They just have faster cars.

Their engines have at least a hundred horsepower-advantage over the other ordinary stock engines.

That's because in the ninth month of the ninth year of the second millenium, a great deluge destroyed and drowned the entire C-Town. No cars were spared in that tragedy. Entire engines went underwater.

Thus, all the C-Town cars had their engines overhauled, with some slight modifications from the master mechanics.

And that is why, in a street race, a C-Town Racer will always finish first, and will always leave you behind, blinded by a cloud of dust.


*inspired by The Great Flood of '09, 26 Sep 2009

The spell to bind yourself to your soul-mate.


Most powerful when cast on a Full Moon.


Spell type: Recp
Pref: Out-PM; FM

Equipment:
Headgear
Magic Wand
Potion 120ml (Li)
Water (Wa)
Firestarter (Fi)
THC (Ea)
Peace pipe (Wi)
Photograph of the subject


Don the headgear, and walk onto an open field as the Full Moon rises. The headgear must not be removed during the duration of the spell.

Drink the potion. You will have 20 minutes before the effects are felt. Take the photograph, then place it on the ground in front of you. Use the tip of your magic wand and draw a circle on the ground around the photograph. Stare at the photograph and mutter the incantation nine times:

Mergis eternam te anima meæ

With the firestarter, set fire to the photograph, and use its flame to light the peace pipe. Inhale deeply, and as you blow the smoke out, speak the name of the subject, your soul-mate. Then wash your mouth with water, and the spell is completed.




“Are you coming to dinner or not?” asked the woman as she opened the door to the basement. “Your soup is getting cold.”

“Yes, I’ll join you in a minute,” he answered, still reading the page of the book he was holding.

“You’re not going through any of those old sorcery books of yours again, are you?” The woman stole a quick glance at the book. “You’d best hurry or the kids will finish off the dessert I made.” Then she climbed out of the door, wiping her hands on her apron.

The man stared after her as she left, then smiled to himself. “I have married the right woman,” he thought, and he closed the dusty book and followed her to dinner.


*circa 2004