Look Ma, I'm a Writer!

Who am I?

I'm not Batman.
I'm no crime-fighting caped crusader
that flies to the rescue faster than 911.

Who am I?

I'm no chameleon,
no top-secret US Army stealth project.
I'm no master of disguise
yet I can disappear at will
with no invisibility cloak or hocus pocus.

Who am I?

I'm no gladiator,
no Russell Crowe.
No King of the Jews holier-than-thou messiah
that will sacrifice my life to save your ass.

I'm nobody.
    The person behind you in the grocery,
    that noisy guy beside you in church,
    the classmate you forget as soon as school's out.
I don't deserve any special treatment
because you don't really care anyway.

So who am I?


circa 8 Nov 2005

(Music)

Attention all visitors. Attention all visitors. Ang visiting hours po ng ICU ward ay mula 7-9 po lamang. Thank you.

(Music)

Attention all visitors ng pasyenteng si Don Juan Antonio Rodrigo Borja del Castillo Fajardo y dela Cerna III ng ICU ward 221B, ang visiting hours ay mula 7-9 pa. Mangyari pong bumalik muna sa Visitor's Area. Salamat po.


(Music)



Paging Ms. Rose Galvez. Paging Ms. Rose Galvez. Please proceed to the ICU ward. Maari na po ninyo dalawin ang iyong tatay sa ICU 221B. Maraming salamat po.


(Music)



Attention lahat ng mga bagong dating na visitors. Attention lahat ng mga bagong dating na visitors. May limit po ang number of visitors sa bawat kwarto. Mangyari po lamang na i-check kung may iba pang bisita bago pumasok. Salamat po.


(Music)



Attention all visitors of ICU 221B. Attention all visitors of ICU 221B. Please keep the noise level down. Nagrereklamo na po ang mga kalapit na kwarto. Salamat po.


(Music)



Paging security.  Paging security. Please proceed to ICU 221B. Dalawang babae po nagsasabunutan. Magdala po ng gunting dahil nagkabuhol-buhol ang kanilang buhok. Salamat po.


(Music)



Attention all visitors.  Attention all visitors. Dahil sa kaguluhan sa ICU ward, ang pagdalaw sa mga pasyente ay pinapayagan para sa mga immediate family members lamang. Salamat po.


(Music)



Attention security.  Attention security. Ang babaeng nagngangalang Rose Galvez ay mahigpit na ipinagbabawal na dumalaw sa pasyenteng si Don Juan Antonio Rodrigo Borja del Castillo Fajardo y dela Cerna III  sa ICU 221B. Ayon sa pamilya ng pasyente, hindi po nila kamag-anak si Rose Galvez. Thank you.



*performed at Pasinaya, Sun, 26 Feb 2012, CCP

Good morning, Ma'm, Sir!
Halika, upo po kayo.
Ayan, welcome po sa
Life Planners Management Corporation Incorporated Limited.
Kayo po si Ma'm [Nicole] at si Sir [Gary]
Okay, standard operating procedure lang po,
kailangan ko po kayo tanungin ng inyong
security questions.
Si Ma'm muna: Gaano na kayo
katagal magkakilala?
[Since 2005], okay very good.
And si Sir: What is your child's nickname?
[Taba]. Excellent.
Okay, so naka-schedule po kayo ng 9:00.
Pero dahil late na kayo,
diretso na agad tayo sa business,
keri?

Okay, so kaya kayo narito ngayon
ay dahil napuntahan ninyo ang aming website,
lifeplannersmgtcorpincltd.com,
at nag-fill up kayo ng online application form
para sa isa sa aming mga ino-offer na serbisyo.
Kung hindi pa rin ninyo napansin,
ang aming serbisyo ay
Life Planning. Duh.
Mayroon kaming six different types of services
para sa life planning.
Ang napili ninyo
ay Option no. 6,
at kaya kayo narito ngayon
ay para i-finalize ang paperwork.
Ngunit ayon po sa company policy,
legally obligated po akong ipaliwanag nang husto sa inyo
ang Options 1 to 5,
at ang aking mga ibabahaging impormasyon
ay higit pa sa impormasyon
na makikita sa aming website,
upang sa gayon ay maari pa kayo magpalit ng option
kung inyong gugustuhin.

Okay, so ito ang mga
hindi ninyo napiling option.
Ang Option No.1
ay tinatawag nating
"Daddy Douchebag" package.
So mayroon kaming
mga female seductress,
ito po ang catalogue,
pili na lang kayo.
Iba-iba po presyo niyan,
mas maganda, mas mahal.
So kung sino man
ang mapili ninyong seductress,
ay siyang magse-seduce dito kay Sir,
at within ten working days
ay garantisadong mai-in love 'tong si Sir
sa aming seductress.
Pag na-in love na siya,
siya na mismo ang makikipaghiwalay
kay Ma'm at kay [Taba].
On one hand,
hindi niyo na siya makikita muli
dahil kakalimutan na kayo si Sir nang tuluyan.
On the other hand,
wala kayong maaasahan kay Sir,
kahit pang-matrikula, pang-sustento,
ni singkong butas ay wala kayong makukuha.

Ang sumunod naman dito
ay Option No. 2,
na female version lang
ng Option No. 1.
Ang tawag namin dito ay
ang "Mommy Maldita" package.
So mayroon po tayong available na mga
tinatawag nating "disorder enhancers".
Mga tablet po ito na ipapainom niyo kay Ma'm,
half a tablet in the morning
and another half before matulog.
Kung ano man po ang disorder na mayroon si Ma'm,
kahit katiting lamang,
ima-magnify po ng aming tableta
up to 25 times! (Citation needed)
Halimbawa, Ma'm, mayroon kayong
Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder,
under ng medication na ito ay magiging
ADHD times 25.
Kung kayo naman ay may Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder,
ito ay magiging OCD times 25.
Again, within our company guaranty of ten working days,
siguradong mababaliw itong si Sir,
at itatakas niya ang inyong anak,
at hindi kailanman babanggitin na siya pala ay mayroong ina.
Ang ending niyan, Ma'm,
ay 'di mo na makikita ang iyong anak
except sa Facebook,
at hindi sila aasa sa iyo
para sa kahit na anong bagay.
Ang "Mommy Maldita" package pala
ay available lamang
kung ang inyong anak
ay tapos na sa stage na breastfeeding.

Ang ating Option Nos. 3 and 4 ay related,
so ipapaliwanag ko sila nang sabay.
Ito po ang tinatawag nating Weekend Parent package.
Ang Option No. 3 ay ang Weekend Dad package,
at ang Option No. 4 ay ang Weekend Mom package.
Pareho lang 'yan.
Basically, ang bata ay nasa custody ng isa sa inyo
mula 12:00 midnight ng Lunes
hanggang 11:59 PM nang Biyernes,
at for the rest of the time,
lilipat ang custody sa kabila.
Bagamat ang school days ay natural na nakatapat sa weekdays,
kung mayroong school activity na matatapat sa weekend,
halimbawa'y field trip o overnight camping,
ang custody ay mapupunta sa weekend parent.
At dahil ang Weekend Parent packages
ay ang aming pinakamahinang bumenta na serbisyo,
mayroon kaming special offer
para ma-engganyo kayong kumuha
ng Weekend Parent package.
Ito ang tinatawag naming "Awkward Overload".
Magaganap ang promo na ito
sa tuwing magpapalit ng custody ang magulang,
dahil sisiguraduhin naming
bigyan kayo ng maraming maraming awkward situations.
Halimbawa, ang ipangsusundo namin na sasakyan
ay ang same model ng kotse kung saan kayo nag-first kiss.
O kaya magpapasundo sa restaurant
kung saan kayo nag-first date.
Sa pamamagitan ng "Awkward Overload",
unti-unti naming buburahin
ang huling latak ng ka-sentihan at kabaduyan
sa inyong dugo.
Ang end goal ng "Awkward Overload"
ay matanggap ng parehong parents
na wala na silang pag-asang magkabalikan.

Option No. 5 naman
ang tinatawag naming
"Live-In Kabuhayan Showcase".
Mananalo kayo ng isang house and lot,
fully furnished,
may 60-inch LED Full HD 3D TV,
5Mbps na broadband connection,
dalawang Mac Book Pro,
at P5000 gift certificate sa Toy Kingdom.
Ngunit ang kapalit lamang nito ay
hindi kayo maaaring magpakasal.
Sa oras na kayo'y ikasal
ng pari o ng huwes,
ay babawiin sa inyo
ang buong Kabuhayan Showcase,
at kayo'y magmu-multa, jointly and severally,
ng hanggang 30% ng halaga ng mga produkto sa Showcase
dahil sa natural na wear and tear.

Okay, ayun po ang mga
HINDI ninyo napili.
Ang napili ninyo ay ang Option No. 6
o ang "Happily Ever After" package.
Kasama po sa package na ito ang...
wedding organization,
printing ng wedding invitation
(na wala ng chechebureche, na aming pinapauso ngayon
dahil ayaw namin ng wedding invitations na madaldal),
location,
local government clearance and permits,
Church permits,
drafting ng pre-nuptial agreement,
notarization,
accounting of personal property,
air fare via Zest Air
o ang tipo ng mas adventurous sa inyo,
ang aming Indiana Jones airplane
mula sa Sky Pasada,
travel insurance,
photo coverage mula sa award-winning photojournalist,
paparazzi coverage,
cocktails,
magnificent view ng South China Sea,
at isang bahay sa... drumroll...
Pampanga!
I know, right?
Na'ko, Ma'm, paano po kayo magko-commute niyan?
Wala pa naman sa package ang kotse.
Anyway, may bonus promo rin po tayo rito para kay Ma'm,
ang tinatawag nating "Hyphen Bonus"
kung saan makakatanggap kayo Ma'm ng P20 bonus
sa tuwing pipirma kayo ng kahit anong bagay
gamit ang inyong bagong apelyido.
Ang promo po na ito
ay hindi applicable
kung si Ma'm ay isang notary public.

Ayan po,
congratulations sa inyong pagpili ng "Happily Ever After"package.
Kung may iba kayong katanungan,
i-text niyo nalang ako,
or i-follow niyo nalang ako sa Twitter,
@iamlifeplannersmgtcoincltd.
Mabuhay!



*for Gary and Nicole
Batanes, 4 Feb 2012

Because we are the visitors,
the home crowd shows us hostility.
Because I am different,
the home team shows me hostility.

I have three defenders
guarding me at all times.

"Monkey," they call me,
for my pale brown skin is not
olive-brown like an Italian,
my dark eyes are not
bright blue like an Aryan,
and the bridge of my nose is not
aquiline like a Roman.

They could at least be more precise
and call me "Half-Monkey",
for my father is a Spaniard,
who married a short brown native woman
from the Philippine islands.

But to them,
my blood counts for nothing.
Half a monkey is still a monkey.

I am the only brown man
on a field of twenty-two players.

My teammates can see past
the color of my skin.
I am treated like a brother─
an equal (maybe even greater)─
because I score goals,
because I win matches,
and because they all know
I am the best player
among my white-skinned peers.

That is why my defenders look at me
with anger in their eyes
and hate in their hearts.
They will never allow
a monkey to beat them
in this beautiful game
they created.

I now have the ball,
and the defenders tighten their guard,
like zookeepers out to corral
an escaped chimpanzee,
and they hurl their tightly-woven
nets of prejudice
as they try to hold the monkey down.

But I am too fast for them.
I leave all the defenders behind,
nothing left for them to do but stare
at the number on the back of my jersey:
Number 1.

Racing toward the goal,
I cock my leg back,
and strike the ball
like the hammer of a gun,
and send the bullet flying.

I watch the goalkeeper's
bright blue eyes,
following the ball in disbelief
as it passes through his hands
and over his straw-colored head.

And the goal's net cannot hold my shot,
just as the zookeeper's net cannot hold the monkey.
My bullet travels so fast
that it breaks the net completely through,
splicing the fibers that hold
the twine of reality together.

The entire home crowd
is stunned into silence,
and the joyous uproar of our visiting team
praising my magnificent monkey kick
becomes the salt of insult
that sprinkles over the wounds of their egos.

In the cheery blue eyes of my teammates,
I am El Rompe Redes─
The Net Breaker.
My name will live in legend,
and the club will pass down my story
from generation to generation.

But in the teary blue eyes of my opponents,
I will live in infamy.
They will never see me
as the player who scored the winning goal
amidst the hostile conditions
of an away crowd.
My name will be spoken with loathing,
for I will live forever in their memory
as the monkey who destroyed their net.


*For Bersong EuroPinoy 3

I may seem shy in real life,

but when I am on the air,
I am in my element.

The airwaves are my domain;
everyone tuned in, my subjects;
and my kingdom stretches as far as this broadcast can carry my voice.

The words I speak tonight
will remain in your subconscious mind
for the rest of your life.

The word can become flesh.
And the one with the microphone can change the world.


*performed at Bigkas Pilipinas, Jam 88.3, Sat 21 Jun 2009
"Dominus" original version here

I may seem shy in real life,

but when I am onstage,
I am in my element.

The stage is my domain;
everyone in the audience my subjects;
and my kingdom stretches as far as the wind can carry my voice.

The words I speak tonight
will remain in your subconscious mind
for the rest of your life.

The word can become flesh.
And the one with the microphone can change the world.


*written (but not performed) for Poetic Soujourn, UP Portia Sorority, Fri. 13 Mar. 2009

Dear John,

I know you have to leave, and no one's stopping you. Hell, if my girl left me for another guy, I'd want to see the world, too. So I took the liberty of packing your suitcase for you. I included stuff to make sure you stay on the path, my brother.

First, the Eiffel Tower. To remind you of romance. And sex. Get laid!

Second, I put some you-know-what in the secret compartment. The smell alone should keep you happy. Just don't let them airport dogs sniff it, you know what I mean?

Third, I printed out that pic of your ex kissing that guy. I got it from her Facebook.

Fourth, I included my Zippo lighter. I'm giving it to you. Once you're over that bitch, burn the picture. Shift-delete her. Only then will you be truly free.

Fifth, don't forget your cellphone. We want to hear your voice when you're screaming at the top of the pyramids.

Call us, dude. We won't call you, as long-distance rates are expensive.


Love, Paul




*writing exercise for Jam 88.3 Performance Poetry Lecture hosted by Kooky Tuason featuring Siege Malvar, 14 Feb 2009
**performed at Bigkas Pilipinas, Jam 88.3, 14 Feb 2009
***bitterness unintentional

I am the Shepherd
and this is My flock.
The coolest flock of sheep
in the universe.

These sheep answer to Me
and only to Me.
They do not run from
the sound of My voice
nor do they shy away from
the touch of My hand.

Their pen has been equipped
with high-definition CCTV surveillance cameras
and is surrounded by a
high-voltage perimeter barb-wire fence,
while I carry
a sniper rifle (with laser-sight
and night-vision technology) with Me
wherever I go.

And should any one of them
accidentally stray into the badlands,
a full rescue squad is sent
to retrieve them immediately.

But it has come to my attention
that one of you is a spy.
You are not really a sheep
but a wolf disguised as one.

As you all know, anyone caught
impersonating a sheep
shall be executed on the spot.

His name shall be erased from the halls of Valhalla,
his soul shall burn in the fires of Hades,
and his carcass shall be cast down from the top of Mt. Zion.

For whosoever messes with My flock
messes with Me
and I will strike you down
until you cease to exist.


*circa June 2004